Navigating "The World" After Leaving Fundamentalism

Leaving a high-control religion and finding your way in a world that you have been disconnected from for most of your life can be a daunting task. Learning new social norms, experiencing cognitive dissonance, and rewiring your mind can be just a few of the challenges of leaving. On the other hand, though, there are a lot of blessings and moments of bliss and peace that make it all worth the climb. Here are some of the highs and lows I experienced as a result of leaving the Laestadian Lutheran Church.

First Things First...Cognitive Dissonance

I first began to experience cognitive dissonance when I started reading the Bible and started to see the world around me and salvation differently than those in the Laestadian Lutheran Church. I was trying to reason with this new way of thinking while still holding onto the LLC doctrine, which caused me significant psychological conflict. I still had the same morals but I couldn't make what I believed align with my lifestyle. How could I be living a "sinful" life but be okay? This cognitive dissonance lingered well into two years after my exit, due to the hard-wiring from the church and the hold it still had on me. It was scary to fully let go.

Here are some examples of what I mean by cognitive dissonance: the world was no longer a threat but it was at the same time. I knew that listening to secular music, watching movies, dancing, and wearing makeup were not sins but some part of me still worried they actually were. I knew I was safe in "the world" because God was still with me but He had apparently left me when I left the LLC. Talk about confusing! My brain and body struggled to find unity. I would have moments of bliss and exhilaration trying new things followed by doubt and fear that maybe I actually was doing something wrong, even though logically I knew I wasn't. My brain couldn't make sense of how these things were suddenly okay because I had believed and felt in my body for years that they were sin. This was a real trial at first but it lessened with time and now I know with certainty what I believe. I had to untangle the two belief systems that were trying to coexist, let go of my old beliefs, and then spend time learning about and solidifying my new beliefs, in order to find clarity. It was no easy task but I can tell you it is worth the battle to tear down your old mental construct and replace it with a sturdy foundation and strong beams to uphold your new and beautiful mental structure. The more you choose to embrace your new life and the more knowledge you obtain around your new beliefs, the stronger your foundation will be and the less cognitive dissonance you will experience in your new life.

Trying Things For the First Time

Let me tell you...trying "worldly" things for the first time was simultaneously thrilling and daunting. After my exit from the church, I walked precariously through the world, desiring to do what I hadn't been allowed to do in the LLC but also a little nervous because it was all foreign and strange to me. I had been listening to worldly music and watching movies for years prior to leaving but wearing mascara and piercing my ears were in an entirely different ballpark because they were visible to others. An outward expression of the state of my heart, according to the church.

I remember the first time I got my ears pierced like it was yesterday. I was hanging out with my new friend, who wasn't from church, and we were having an absolute blast - hanging out in a coffeeshop, talking for hours, and finally ending our night at a Thai restaurant. As we were eating, I mentioned that I really wanted to get my ears pierced and without hesitation she said, "Let's go!" She was over the moon because she had been in a similar position herself with leaving a strict religion and she loved to see me doing what was best for me. I was not expecting her reaction but I both hesitantly and readily agreed! There was something thrilling about getting my ears pierced, probably because I had wanted to do it since I was in elementary school. I was also nervous because it had been ingrained in me that doing so was a sin. The night was getting late and it was almost midnight but my friend decided to look up tattoo parlors near us and found one that accepted walk-ins for piercings. We arrived just in time, shortly before the place closed. I was totally giddy and the girl who pierced my ears got a real kick out of my nervous excitement! I mean, she pierces ears for a living so this was just another day for her and she couldn't understand why a 28 year-old was elated about getting her ears pierced. My friend explained to her that I had recently left my church and this was a big moment. All this to say, it will probably be weird doing things for the first time but the feeling of making a decision for yourself is powerful and liberating.

Fear Of Condemnation

The fear of condemnation will keep you stuck for as long as you allow it. My first year or so after leaving was the most burdensome for me in this process. I would have to run my fearful, irrational thoughts by my husband in order to remind myself that I truly had nothing to be afraid of. He would reassure me that I had made the right decision and I could trust myself, an unconventional concept in the LLC. We were supposed to trust what was determined by the church, not ourselves and our own reasoning. I could easily get caught up in letting the fear run rampant in my mind. Familiar thoughts of what if I die in my sleep? played on repeat. What if I die in my sleep and it actually was sinful to pierce my ears? Does God really leave me? What if they are right and I'm really not a child of God anymore? All I could think to do at the time was remind myself over and over again of what I had read in the Bible, which is God's Word. The Truth. And God had never once spoken of listening to worldly music, getting your ears pierced, wearing makeup, watching movies, etc. as being sin. Jesus himself danced, so why couldn't I? Of course the Bible was written before technology like music and movies came to be but piercings definitely existed in that time. I would go back and forth, trying to separate my former belief system from what I had learned on my own, through reading the Bible. I will not deny that I had my fair share of sleepless nights trying to figure this out, due to the anxiety from lacking trust in my own intuition. I know members of the LLC and similar churches would view the anxiety and sleepless nights as a clear sign that I had not made the right decision but after a lifetime of hard-wiring and fear-based thinking, this was only a natural response from my nervous system trying to protect me and keep me safe. Just know that if you are experiencing fear of condemnation and fear that you are indeed sinning after leaving, this is entirely normal and will dissipate in time.

It is beautiful to say this but I truly have no fear of being condemned for living what I used to view as a "worldly" lifestyle, having close friends who are "unbelievers," listening to music, watching movies, getting my ears pierced, and wearing mascara.

After all, God doesn't judge by our appearance, He judges us by our hearts.

What I Expected vs. What Happened

After officially announcing my decision to leave the LLC, I honestly expected to feel like my life was complete. At long last. I would be happy and I could be myself! I wouldn't have to hide parts of myself and live a double-life anymore. I would have the freedom I had been craving for as long as I could remember! It would be incredible and beautiful and wonderful. I'm sure you can imagine my shock when it was nearly the opposite at first. I don't say this to scare anyone because your experience could be completely different, depending on how involved you are or have been in your church.

I hadn't taken into consideration the depth of the loss I would experience letting go of my lifelong community and the structure that had been upholding my ways of thinking and perception of the world around me. Instead, I was looking at the other side through rose-colored glasses and solely focused on the benefits of leaving rather than the heartbreak and pain I would also endure. Reality can be harsh. I have heard from people who weren't prepared for the change in the way their family treated them after announcing they are no longer "believing," the impact of not being greeted with "God's Peace" for the first time hitting harder than they expected. I would assume this is because "God's Peace" is another way of saying, "we believe the same." Therefore, not greeting someone is the same as saying, "you are no longer one of us," and such a statement is painful because we all want to belong. For me, it was mostly the grief and depression that caught me off-guard, blind-siding me and turning my world upside down. But through choosing to focus on the beauty and building new friendships outside of the church, while maintaining the friendships I could with those inside the church, I made my way in the big, strange world. It took a long time for me to find my footing but I have found it and am happier than I have ever been, aside from the inevitable curveballs life throws my way.

Prayer, Peace, and Freedom

Now, almost two years later, I have found peace. Personally, the one thing that has brought me the most comfort in all of this has been turning to God in prayer and gratitude. I have prayed again and again for Him to remind me that I made the right decision and to show me He is still with me. In response, I have clearly seen His hand and blessings in my life more times than I can count. Moments where I met people, who weren't from the LLC, that told me exactly what I needed to hear or would remind me of the Truth of God's Word and what He says. Along with this, I have experienced moments of complete and total peace and a comfort that could only come from God. He hasn't condemned me for leaving, in fact He has blessed me tremendously and I personally feel closer to Him than I ever did as an LLC member. I'm not saying that God blessed me for leaving but that He has continued to bless me even after. He doesn't withhold His blessings just because I am not a member of a specific church. We have a good and loving God. What matters to Him is what we believe, not where we worship.

And freedom. After feeling trapped for 26 years, whether it was due to the gray and rainy days in Washington, the "guidelines" of the church, or not being able to pursue my dreams, the expansiveness of having complete and total freedom is one that leaves me without words. I wanted to jump up and down because I had received the food that my soul had been craving but I also couldn't fathom that I could fully immerse myself in the world around me without fear. That is not to say in the form of living a lifestyle that does not align with scripture but that I could be friends with anyone I wanted and not have to put up walls because they might hinder my faith. I could listen to the music I loved without being afraid I was sinning in the eyes of God, and most of all, I could be me without worrying about what church members would think because we were no longer living by the same standards.

I only have to focus on what God thinks of me and man, what a relief that is.

This is a journey (more like the wildest roller coaster ride) and it is not necessarily an easy one, should you choose to take it, but you will grow and become stronger in your own thoughts and beliefs through it all. If you are struggling in any way, please don't hesitate to reach out to me or anyone else that you know who has left a fundamentalist organization. We are all happy to relate and share our own stories as far as I have seen! We are in this together and you should never have to feel alone. Finding your way in a world that you aren't familiar with can be scary but it can also be powerful and inspire profound growth in you.

You are never alone. That is probably the most over-used phrase in the English language but I say it because it is true.