From Fundamentalism to Freedom - My Testimony

This is my testimony of leaving a high-control religion and learning the Truth about Jesus and the way to true peace and forgiveness.

How do you tell the story of a lifetime in a single blog post?

I can't remember when it all started but I do have a vivid memory of when the questions began. I was riding in our 12-passenger van with my loud and loving family, on a family road-trip on our way to Minnesota for Summer Services (an annual weekend-long church services event) and I was excited for the big adventure we were on! We were in Montana driving past golden wheat fields and I was intrigued by the abandoned houses from the original settlers. I wanted to go explore them and get a glimpse into the lives of the people who worked this land many years before. As I gazed out the window, I had more serious thoughts swirling around my mind about life, as often happens on roadtrips. More importantly thoughts about God, the church, and how we got here on this earth. I always seemed to be questioning the deeper things, I've been a deep-thinker for as long as I can remember. I don't have a lot of memories from that trip but one memory I do have is thinking about God and having this deep sense or knowing that He was greater than the church. I couldn't reconcile with the idea that the members of our church, the Laestadian Lutheran Church (LLC), were the only ones going to heaven. There were so many beautiful people in the world, with good hearts, who were also Christians! I couldn't make sense of it so I let the question go, and simply believed, as I had been taught.

The community in the LLC is full of love and warmth. When any mother has a new baby, there will be a meal train set up, when elders are widowed or dying, people will visit them and sing church songs, and when a family loses a loved one, everyone comes together to support and comfort them. The music sang and created by the LLC is unlike any I have heard at other churches, angelic even.

However, along with all of the wonderful things the community offers, there is massive social pressure to live a "believing lifestyle" and make ourselves distinctly different from the world. One that involves no makeup, piercings, nail polish, dying of hair (perms are allowed), tattoos, dancing, "worldly" music (anything with a beat), movies, TV, drinking, marrying outside the church, having close relationships with those outside the church, playing sports games at school, attending school dances, attending professional sports games, attending plays, and using birth control. All of these are considered sin and need to be forgiven by receiving what is referred to as "the gospel" from a fellow believer saying, "You can believe all of your sins forgiven in Jesus name and precious blood." Personally, living up to these standards was difficult for me.

The church is generally a loving and warm place and I love the community, but there is also a lot of gossiping and judgement, especially when someone leaves the fold and goes into the world. Not to mention the bullying that is common amongst church kids. I was bullied in my middle school years by some boys my age. They would gag at me and my friends as they walked by, they would call me "fat" and "ugly," and one even called me a "whale" one time. You can imagine the impact that had on an adolescent, young girl. I often felt like a black sheep, even amongst my friends. I felt weird and different, but I didn't know why.

The summer before 10th grade, I attended Confirmation Camp (a week-long youth summer camp), where we spent our time learning all about the church and hanging out with fellow youth; and at the end of the week, I confirmed my faith before the congregation. It was the best week of my life up to that point because I was completely separate from the dangers of the world, like music, movies, and worldly people. However, the next year at school looked very different when I started to go "downhill" and I started listening to worldly music. It started with Celtic Thunder (totally innocent) and I somehow ended up listening to Eminem and Daughtry, just as we had been warned, "first the devil takes your finger and then he takes your hand!" I LOVED music. It was like an escape for me from my own thoughts and feelings. From there, I went to the movies with my friends a few times, which we obviously had to hide and then to top it all off, I began to hang out with a more "wild" crowd in my last year of high school. Let me tell you, though, it wasn't wild by the world's standards. "Wild" meant listening to music, running around town late at night, and swearing. As terrible as it sounds, I got a little bit of a high from being rebellious but I just wanted to enjoy my life and have a little fun. I was jealous of the kids at school who could wear makeup and earrings and got to go on every field trip. We were only allowed to go on the educational trips like to the science museum and I thought that was SO boring. Looking back now, I know my parents were simply doing their best to protect me from the world and I'm grateful in many ways, but it was tough as a young kid because I felt different than everyone around me.

In the years following High School, I moved many times. First from Washington State (where I grew up) to Minnesota, back to Washington, to Montana, back to Washington, on a solo trip to Utah, back to Washington, to Minnesota, and then finally back to Utah; my dream state, the only place I had felt truly joyful and myself. Throughout those years, I struggled with eating disorders (anorexia and orthorexia) along with many health issues, from brain fog to floaties in my vision, headaches, GI issues, dyshidrotic eczema (recognized by itchy blisters), extreme fatigue, muscle weakness, achy joints, severe depression, and anxiety. No doctor or even naturopathic doctor could figure out what was wrong with me. In 2022, when I was living in Minnesota for the second time, I was told by two different chiropractors that I have the body of a 80-90 year-old woman, which was shocking to hear at only 26 years-old. Shortly before that, I had learned about the mind-body connection and realized that I had years of trauma from the church (constant fear of hell) and my childhood that were built up in my body, because I didn't know how to properly feel my emotions. I did some deeper research and learned a few methods that were effective to release them, such as journaling, writing letters and burning them, EFT (Emotional Freedom Technique), and I even had myofascial release done on me. I was blown away by the power of some of the emotions I released and the memories of painful events that happened years ago that would surface. It was no wonder I was beyond sick, I had been carrying these emotions in my body since I was a kid. I also discovered Dr. Nicole LePera's book, "How To Do the Work" (life changing, let me tell you) not long after the discovery of the connection between my mind and body, and learned that my body had been stuck in survival mode for almost my entire life. This catapulted me into the deepest healing I have done to this day, but even with all of these different healing modalities, there was still something wrong. No matter the amount of healing I did, my body and depression did not improve by much. I would feel lighter for a few days at a time, but the deep depression and feeling of being trapped that had followed me for most of my life still lingered.

While I was in the process of going through all of this healing, I was in a bad car accident that sent my body into a state of shock, or freeze mode as it's properly called. I could not seem to snap myself out of that state and I wandered around in a state of dissociation for 3 months, unable to fully connect with reality. I thought I was losing my mind until I began to see a therapist and she explained what was happening biologically. In those same months, I had started a deep-dive into researching the Laestadian Lutheran Church. I wanted to know why the last heresy had happened and I was having many doubts about the church's teachings. I believe it started with a blog. One of the things I struggled with was that everyone in the world around me was going to hell, I had met some beautiful people over the past few years and I couldn't understand why they should be condemned to hell for not being a part of the LLC. I loved music (I still do), and I just knew there was more to this life than what I was living. The more I read, the more everything I had been taught throughout my life started to unravel. In addition to that, I had a rough experience with someone from church, who got involved with my personal life and overstepped my boundaries and it triggered anxiety when I went to church from that point on. I tried to ignore the anxiety and continue going, but it wasn't long before I stopped going altogether due to the doubts about the church and how uncomfortable I felt around my old group of friends. I started missing Bible Class on Wednesday nights and eventually I would just show up for my shift in the coffee shop after church on Sundays. I knew something had to change, I couldn't keep going on in this miserable and trapped state.

Thank goodness for my therapist at the time, who changed the trajectory of my life, making major connections between places and emotions for me. She helped me to understand the connection between my depression and the church. The only time I had not been depressed was when I had been on a solo trip to Utah, completely separated from the LLC. There was an overwhelming sense that it was time to leave that started to weigh on me. One night I couldn't take it anymore and I said a prayer to God, telling Him I just wanted the Truth and I surrendered my entire life to Him. I didn't care if I had to leave everything I had known, I needed the Truth. The next day at work, I felt especially pulled to my friend, Lisa, and I poured my heart out to her. She was Christian and told me that no one has the power to forgive sin, except God, which was not what I had been taught. I had to know for myself, so I began to read the Bible, seeing everything through a new set of eyes. It was through God's word that I found Jesus. It feels so cliché to say "I found Jesus," but it's true. I had never known Him in all of my years in the church, but I truly believed in Him for the first time in my life. It's crazy to me that in the 26 years I was going to church, hearing Bible stories, and being taught about Jesus, I never knew Him because when someone else was preaching my sins forgiven I wasn't able to recognize the magnitude of the sacrifice He made for me. But through surrendering my life to God, I was able to truly see and understand God's word, the gospel, and the love of Christ.

The emotions and physical sensations (my body had been in a heightened state for YEARS) I experienced in the time after I had this major eye-opening moment was something I cannot put into words, except to say it was the most profound and deeply-spiritual, overwhelming love and full-body peace. Something that could only come from God. I knew that my life was not going to be the same from that point on and I would be living a life serving Him for the rest of my days here on earth, for what Jesus had done for me.

I officially made the decision to leave the Laestadian Lutheran Church and it was simultaneously the most world-changing and peaceful decision I have made. I didn't know what my life was going to look like going forward but the one thing I knew was that I wanted to serve God. My body and mind began to drastically heal after I left the church. It was as though my body and mind could finally rest and recover from the years of mental and physical turmoil. It was truly a miracle to watch my body being to heal and find life again.

Jesus literally gave me life. All glory be to God.