Finding Friendship After Leaving A High-Control Religion

Finding friends after leaving a tight-knit and exclusive community can feel intimidating and overwhelming at times. Here are some ways I found friendship in "the world" after leaving the only community I had ever known.

Let me take you back to when I was a young girl, a time when I was awkward, insecure, and just plain weird.

I grew up in a pretty exclusive community, in an organization called the Laestadian Lutheran Church, where we basically had built-in friends and we all believed the same,. Having the same beliefs created a unique bond between us and separated us from the world. We were taught it was dangerous to our faith to be "unequally yoked," a term that was used to refer to spending more time with unbelievers than believers. Surrounding ourselves with unbelievers could cause us to fall into sin or question our faith and eventually lose out faith altogether. I viewed those who wore makeup and earrings or that had tattoos as "worldly" and I felt sorry for them because they didn't know they were going to hell. I lived in a very black and white world which led me to be very shy in elementary and middle school where I was surrounded by worldly children. I felt like I didn't fit in because the other students talked about music and movies (and were allowed to stay in the classroom and watch them), while I knew nothing about either of those things. It wasn't only at school that I was shy because even at church, I was not comfortable in my own skin. I thought I was weird and I didn't know how to be myself. Don't get me wrong, I had a handful of fun friends but I always felt less than them, like maybe there was something wrong with me.

In middle school, a couple of my friends picked on me - they would often pinch me, push me around, and make rude comments which would make me feel small. I was the weaker one. Maybe that is why I became mean, starting petty fights, making rude comments myself, and even writing mean letters to one of my closest friends. I had to make myself feel bigger somehow and I didn't know any other way than to fight back and fight back hard. I was also bullied by church boys which killed my self-esteem, leaving me to think that no boy would ever like me because I was "fat" and "ugly."

My point of all of this being, I have never fully fit in and I have often been insecure or doubted whether I was truly liked or loved by others. I would have a few friends here and there in each place that I lived after I graduated high school but I still felt like a black sheep, at least with the people from church. It was different when I was in the world, though, like when I was at work with unbelievers. I was comfortable around them and I could relax, I didn't have to put on a facade. As I grew older and my love for music and things of the world grew, I grew closer to people outside of the LLC. I liked that I could be myself and that I had more freedom to talk about music and movies with them than I did with my church friends. For them, I felt like I had to pretend to live a normal "believing lifestyle," living a double-life. I wasn't authentic at church and this created a constant sense of disconnection between me and others, at least in my inner-world. I never felt like I was truly connected, like there was always a thin wall between me and those around me.

Fast forward to 2022 when it came time to officially leave the church after meeting my now husband. I was unsure of myself and felt very vulnerable in this foreign world but I was also excited to hang out with whoever I wanted to without fear of others finding out, like I had been for several years. I didn't expect the culture shock that came after I left, though, trying to connect with new people who didn't connect in the same way I had been used to. We didn't have the common bond I had shared with those in the church and we had to connect on similarities and shared interests, rather than a shared faith. This was a challenge for me at first and I initially wanted to go running back to the safety of the church because it was easier for me there but I didn't want to give up my new-found freedom. Over time, I slowly found my way in the world and it grew easier for me to make friends as my confidence in who I am and what I believe also grew. The more I learned about what I truly believe, the more comfortable I felt in the world because it was no longer a threat to my ways of thinking.

It is possible for you to feel the same way if you are freshly out of your church but it could take some time, depending on how involved you have been in your community up until this point. We are all walking along different timelines and will heal, come into ourselves and find our new community when the time is right for us. You are not alone in these thoughts and emotions of wondering how you are going to find your place and a new community. This is a different world than the one you grew up in and it will likely take some time to adjust but soon enough, you will find your way and it will feel normal.

Before I jump into suggestions I have for you (based on my experiences) on how to find a community, I would like to share some questions on this topic that crossed my mind before and after I finally made the decision to leave the LLC:

• Would I be able to make new friends?

• How do I connect with people in "the world?" I had watched a lot of movies and listened to music over the years but that was probably the only commonality I had with them.

• Would I lose my church friends because I no longer believed the same?

• What about my family? Would they still love me?

• I need connection to thrive, where would I find it?

• Would the connections and friendships be the same in the world as they were in the church?

These questions were swirling around in my mind for months.

Now, these are the answers I have gathered to these questions after 1.5 years of being on the other side:

• Yes, I will absolutely be able to make new friend, even some very deep, meaningful friendships!

• I connect with them like I would connect with anyone else, through talking about the things I am passionate about and finding common interests and hobbies! It was a culture shock at first but then I realized people are just as normal and human as me.

• I won't lose all of my church friends! The real ones will stick by my side and we will still have a beautiful friendship, respecting one another's beliefs.

• My family will never stop loving me, they are able to look past my decisions and choose to love me. *I understand this may not be the case for everyone. In some families, connections are severed and it is very painful.

• I will find connection with people of all walks of life and beliefs - at work through customers and co-workers, at my chiropractor, with my step-daughters, with my husband, and other people who have left fundamentalism.

• The connections and friendships I find will not be the same because there are no pressures to believe the same and we don't connect over shared beliefs. Rather we connect on who we are, what we love, and our shared interests. Just as we are. Of course I connected with people in the church over common interests as well but personally, I feel like without the church tying us together, those friendships can be more difficult to keep. I have kept a handful of close friends who are still in the church but have lost contact with many others.

Now, onto what has helped me navigate finding friends and a community!

1. Be open-minded - Growing up, I felt closed off to those in the world, like there was a wall between me and them. I was used to being friendly but not getting too close or even being open to a close friendship with them. I started to branch out as I got older and had a lot of friends at work so that made it easier for me when I left, but it was still strange to hang out with people that wear makeup and earrings and don't go to the LLC. In the time following my exit, it was as though the wall between me and the world was knocked down and I could be free with everyone, regardless of their religion or beliefs. It is important to be open to meeting new people anywhere - at the gym, your job, in your neighborhood, even at your chiropractor (one of my best friends worked the front desk at my chiropractor's office). You would be surprised where you can meet people that can become great friends! Believe it or not, I think there is more opportunity to find people that you truly connect with out in the world than there is in a tight-knit community, especially if you don't completely agree with the group's beliefs.

2. Find another church to attend if you are still religious! - Personally, I am Christian so I definitely felt the need for a like-minded community after I left the LLC. I would highly recommend doing your research and finding a church that has Biblical teachings if you plan to attend a new one. Most churches have a website with their beliefs listed which can be helpful in your search! I have also found a lot of Christian friends at work and that has also helped me to have that sense of community with people who have the same beliefs. If you have come to know the Truth by reading the Bible, it can be nice to have this kind of support group to remind you of what God's word says and teaches when you are having a hard time undoing old hard-wiring and beliefs. My Christian friends that I worked with at Whole Foods right after I left were a huge support for me and I wouldn't be where I am today if I hadn't had them in my life at that time.

3. Show yourself compassion as you learn what "normal" is - As we know, there is no real normal but I am referring to the real world, the world outside of fundamentalism and the LLC. There are many social norms within churches like these that are different than the outside world and it can be a shock to leave and try to navigate the new social norms. I used to search for that "special bond" that I felt with LLC members with people in the world but I quickly learned that it does not exist. My normal was not normal. What I have found instead is true, beautiful, amazing friendships that are built on authentic connection and do not require me to have certain beliefs; I can relax and be myself without any pressure. I love connecting with all kinds of people so finding friends came pretty naturally to me but it was still strange at first to be hanging out with "unbelievers" and to know it was okay. It will probably feel foreign when you first leave but show yourself grace and compassion as you learn "worldly" social norms and learn how to connect on a deeper level with new people!

4. Share you story with others - I found one of my best friends (at the chiropractor) by sharing my story of leaving the church with her! There were a lot of LLC members that saw the same chiropractor so she automatically associated me with the church and I had to explain that I had left. I learned that she also left a church - she had been LDS (The Church of Jesus Christ of Latter Day Saints, otherwise known as Mormon) and had been through a similar faith crisis. We bonded over our experiences and have been close friends ever since! She's actually the reason I got my ears pierced for the first time which was such a cool moment to share with her! Even if someone hasn't left the same church and culture, it can be very comforting to know someone has walked a similar road before you and is on the other side. I think we naturally have a deeper connection with those who have similar experiences to us!

5. Pray - God hears our prayers and He will answer them! I prayed a lot that God could send me like-minded friends who were on a similar path to me and that I could find a new community. All things take time and I myself haven't found a new community yet but I HAVE found many friends that are also Christian and can uplift and encourage me! Not only that, but I have found some of my best friends who just share common interests and hobbies, such as hiking, deep therapeutic talks, and a love of good food and coffee. Prayer is powerful! I have met many angels in the past several years because of prayer.

I hope this was helpful to anyone who has questions or is searching for a new community! My prayer for you is that you can find your way and find your friends in this foreign world. It can be daunting at first, and a bit of a culture shock, but it will get better! I struggled a lot with feeling alone after leaving because losing a community like the LLC leaves a gaping hole in a person's life but I found my place eventually and I no longer feel that way. Through connecting with others who are on the same or a similar journey, I found more peace and confidence in my decision to leave and more reassurance that I was going to be okay. It is not an easy road to walk but oh, is it ever worth it!

We are all in this together and you will never be alone!

Please don't hesitate to message, e-mail, or even text me if you need someone to talk to or need support! I am an open book and I love when others reach out to me, sharing their story or looking for reassurance on this wild journey.