Both the painful and beautiful parts of my experience in leaving the Laestadian Lutheran Church.

1. I lost my community - Leaving a fundamental organization often requires giving up everything you have ever known. In a lot of organizations, you will be ex-communicated and will lose life-long friends, possibly even family.
   

2. I grieved - I felt like I lost everything I had known. I could physically feel the disconnection between what my life had once been and the endless opportunities of life that lay ahead of me. It was deeply painful for me to lose such a big part of my life, even though it had caused me a lot of mental and physical pain, as though I was grieving the loss of my old self. I'm sure it was mostly the loss of community and the beautiful parts about the church.
   

3. I felt lost - I had no idea what I was doing in this foreign world at first. I don't know how it is for other people who leave but I experienced major culture shock. I had dabbled in "worldly" things like music, movies, and hanging out with people from outside the LLC but this was next level consumption by the world around me. I was constantly surrounded by the world because I was now a part of it. It was strange but it did get better in time. My body had to acclimate from living a sheltered life to having complete and total freedom.
   

4. I had to make new friends - I remained friends with some of my closest friends who were members of the LLC, those who were able to separate themselves from my beliefs and new way of life; but I lost touch with a lot of other friends. Making friends outside the church was much different for me than making friends inside because we didn't have the same thing that automatically bonded me to people in the church, our shared beliefs. I had to connect with people over common interests and other things, probably how it is in the normal world. It was like learning a new skill. I LOVE people, though, so I quickly became close friends with a couple women.
   

5. I had to learn how to make my own decisions - This was probably the greatest challenge I had. Most of my big decisions had been made for me since I was a kid - how to live my life, how to talk, how to act - and now I had to learn how to make all of those decisions on my own. I still struggle with making some of the smallest decisions to this day. I once read somewhere that it is common to have trouble with making decisions after leaving a fundamentalist organization like the LLC.
   

6. I found vibrant health - Getting my health back was a MIRACLE! Suppressing my authentic self for 11 years made my body shut down and it began screaming at me with countless ailments. Leaving the LLC, I was finally able to live and be the way that felt right to me and it relieved my body of an immense amount of stress and pulled me out of survival mode, which allowed my body to fully heal.
   

7. I connected naturally with others (without fear or guilt) - The relief of connecting with everyone around me, without the fear or guilt of what other LLC members would think was incredible. I LOVE people and I have naturally connected with people of all walks of life for years. I always wanted to hang out with my co-workers but it was highly discouraged and said to be a hindrance to our faith to be close friends with "unbelievers." This was probably one of the biggest highlights of leaving for me!
   

8. I gained knowledge of the Bible - I read the entire New Testament for the first time in my life in 2023. In the LLC, we were taught not to "reason with our own mind" when reading the Bible, so I never bothered reading it, blindly believing what I was taught by the church instead. I only ever half paid attention in Bible Class, so I knew some of the basic Bible stories but I honestly wasn't invested when I was in the church. In my research about the church and longing for the Truth, I learned a lot about Jesus and the beauty of God's word and it has changed my life.
   

9. I began to love the way God created me - When I was in the LLC, I hated the way God made me because He apparently made me sinful and I was hell-bound as far as I was concerned because I loved music and I wanted to paint my fingernails. Through God's word and giving my life to Jesus, I learned who I truly am and began to love how God made me. It's not about what color my fingernails are or if I wear a little bit of mascara, it's about my love for Him.
   

10. I found FREEDOM - Ah sweet, sweet freedom! The day I officially made the decision to leave the Laestadian Lutheran Church and did a cheers "to freedom" with my now husband was the most beautiful moment of my life. I was finally FREE. I could make my own decisions, figure out what I believe, and live the way God intended for me. I didn't have to live a life that made me feel trapped and wasn't authentic. It was and is bliss.

I believe this is the moral of my story, to never live your life in a way that is inauthentic to who you are, only to please others. If you are living in a way that makes others happy but inside you are miserable, you are not being authentic. If you have a little voice in the back of your mind telling you something isn't right, it isn't. And if your body is screaming at you with countless ailments, listen. Listen to that voice and follow it because it's trying to guide you to freedom and a more fulfilling life.