It took me three attempts to leave the LLC for good. There was so much pressure and judgment from my family and I felt so alone, that I gave in. I remember that moment of intense clarity were I finally knew I needed to leave this cult behind. I was sitting in the church pew looking around at all the strangers. I had known these people for so many years, yet I didn't. I was working for a whitewater rafting company at the time and the connections I was making were life changing. These were good people that genuinely cared about my overall wellbeing, and in general as a person. This really held its testament when the suppressed memories of my brother sexually abusing me surfaced. The darkest memories of my life started to consume me, and it wasn't my family that was there for me, but my friends at Whitewater. The months to come would prove to be insanely difficult as I told my family my truth and continued to receive no support. It's still that way as my family and I no longer communicate. I've realized they will never be able to give us the connection we are looking for. We have crossed the barrier of living in fear and unless they too cross that barrier, they will never know what it's like to live fundamentally free. Thank you Rieka for creating this platform for us to connect and share. You are right, we all have so much in common and it's beautiful when we can connect on something nobody else ever will be able to relate to. I look forward to reading through these comments and grounding myself in the fact that I AM NOT ALONE IN THIS, and neither are you! Much love friends.

My "awakening" really began around age 19, when I had been living independently with my LLC friends for a couple years already. The two main areas of conflict I had with LLC doctrine were about music (like you Rieka, I just could not give it up) and my homosexuality /bisexuality. The latter was definitely the "more serious" one in the eyes of the church (which I never understood because they preached that no sin is greater than any other) and it was the most difficult part for me because it felt so deeply rooted in my nature. God clearly created me with that attraction to my own gender. Even so, I tried for years and years to pray the gay away (I first recognized the attraction at age 14) but instead of it going away, it simply got stronger.

For a short time I was seeing a girl in WA after finishing up Marine Corps training, with the hopes of escaping my homosexual nature. Even though it obviously didn't work out in the end, it definitely helped me understand myself better, specifically with regard to male/female attraction. For the longest time I felt so much crushing guilt and shame for my inner feelings and that was such a massive conflict with my LLC views. I had already started seeing guys at around age 19 before I came to WA, and the more I did it the more it felt normal to me, aside from the shame that the church instilled in me. So, I knew that eventually I would have to make a choice between that life and the LLC life.

When I had moved down to WA in 2019, I was still kind of one foot in one foot out as far as the LLC goes. I enlisted in the marines in August that same year, and that's when the change really hit home. It's the reason I connected so deeply with your post about moving to Utah, Rieka, and the feeling of freedom you experienced there! In those 9 months of exhausting, constant military training, with no LLC influence around me, I had the time to really dig deep and ponder my life. I came to the conclusion that I obviously could not stay half in/half out. Up until this point i had never drank even a sip of alcohol, a single puff of a cigarette, or a grain of chewing tobacco. During training, i tried out all 3 and that in itself gave me such a freeing feeling. And just like you, being able to openly talk about "worldly" things with my buddies made me feel more real and honest; no more hiding myself. So that's when I decided in my heart that I was done with the church, and moving forward with my own personal relationship with God!

It took me a few months after returning to regular life to actually tell friends and family that I was out of the LLC, and that was one of the most difficult things to do. Leaving that safety net of community/friends is hard, but escaping the pressure, judgement, rules and self-shaming was the biggest weight off my shoulders! I'm thankful for the sheltered childhood and being raised with those beliefs and values, many of which I still hold! But I could not live my life that way as an adult. I don't really have bitterness towards the llc and quite frankly the majority of the people in it are wonderful! I definitely have felt the awkwardness around them though and honestly, I believe that originates from the church, not those who leave! I have found my way in this big world. I've found my people, my motivations, my goals and my happiness! I have had an amazing relationship for the past year and a half with my boyfriend, the love of my life! Seems so crazy to say but it's how life is now! I still feel God's love deep in my heart and soul, and see his blessings every day♡

I left the LLC in 2015/2016 sometime after I went to confirmation in Longview, WA. It was one of the hardest decisions I have had to make. I very quietly left but was still flooded with texts and calls after people saying how sad they were to hear about my leaving. Soon after leaving my aunts, uncles, cousins and grandparents started voicing their opinions/thoughts on unbelievers and made me not want to come around. I lost connection with all my friends and relatives after leaving. My mom and siblings left not too long after (my dad didn’t grow up in the church and had left when I was a toddler). I still struggle to this day feeling like I don’t fit in anywhere and am grieving the family I lost when making one of the best decisions I could for myself. I struggle daily with anxiety and depression and have been in quite intensive therapy for quite some time. I have recently made the decision to cut contact with most of my extended family and have been liking the life I’ve been slowly building for myself these past years. I was excited to hear other people’s stories and it’s comforting to see Im not alone in this.

I left the LLC, in July of 2020. It was not an easy decision, yet it will forever be the best decision I have made for myself, and made for my family. I first started questioning the LLC when I was pretty young. I was maybe 12 years old, and my sister left. I remember not being able to possibly fathom the fact that all of a sudden she was hell bound, and honestly the thought of that scared me, bad. Of course i was too young to have conversations and I shoved it down. Come my teenage years when I was 16, I attempted to leave church. It honestly made my life miserable. most of my church friends dropped me, i was gossipped about endlessly, and it was rough for me at home. every night before bed i was told there was prayers for me to not be able to sleep, because of the "condition" i was in. I would come home to my room dug through, and any makeup or earrings I had, destroyed and laid out for me. These are just a few instances, eventually the message was loud and clear- it would be easier to shove down my beliefs, and "repent". Fast forward to around 2018. It wasnt long after i had my first child, and my beliefs slowly started creeping back up. i tried shoving my thoughts and questions to the back of my mind and ignoring them, but each time they’d come back louder. I felt like leaving wasn’t even an option for me. Those repressed thoughts, eventually manifested into extreme panic attacks, extreme health anxiety, orthorexia, and I became very controlling in every other aspect of my life, as I felt like I didn’t have any control over how I wanted to live my life and how I believed. Those were a ROUGH few years. Once I made the decision to leave, I knew what to expect. There were phone calls, tears, and misconstrued bible verses thrown my way. I distinctly remember Matthew 18:6 “If anyone causes one of these little ones- those who believe in me- to stumble it would be better for them to have a large millstone wrapped around their neck and to be drowned in the depths of the sea.” That specific verse was mentioned to me on multiple occasions about letting my kids wear nailpolish or do any “worldly” things. It was harsh. It cut deep. But I’ve also studied my Bible and I know that is not the true meaning behind that verse. Navigating the world outside of the LLC at first is hard. It will most likely come with some sort of shunning, spiritual and verbal abuse, loss of some life long relationships a whole lot of unfamiliarity and a spectrum of emotions. In a lot of cases, the spiritual and verbal abuse can go on for years. On the flip side, it will come with a whole lot of joy, freedom, authenticity, excitement, health, and a whole new world to discover in a new light. My thoughts and advice to people who are questioning or leaving: it’s OKAY to have doubts! It’s HEALTHY to ask questions. Your answers lie in the Bible, not what the LLC has to say. No organization or ministers beliefs over rule what the Bible says, as God’s word is the Truth. Searching for answers in the Bible IS NOT a slippery slope, and the devils way to deceive you I can assure you, is not through reading Gods Word. Question. Research. Listen to what your mind and body are telling you. A whole new life can await you and I promise it’s a good one. It will be the best decision you could ever make. Nothing feels better- nothing-Than freedom.

Thank you Rieka for creating this space, sharing your story, and letting others share theirs. Our stories are often left untold, and it’s good for people who are still in the LLC to be aware of the journeys of those who left and what we’ve endured, yet also being a place to offer comfort and community for those who may be questioning or on their own journey of leaving.

I left Laestadianism in January of 2021. It’s been a confusing/difficult journey to try process through all of the ways those strict controlling beliefs had on me. From my own personal experiences in being raised in a family of 12 to the deep conditioning of the belief system. I’ve spent most of the past 3 years feeling victimized for all the ways I felt wronged. Which in some ways may be valid. I have felt grief, anger, sadness, abandonment, worthlessness, excitement, happiness, joy. It seems like every emotion I have felt. But the past 6 months I have been able to see/process/understand things in a different way and for me it has completely changed my perspective and truly feel monumental. From my own experience, the biggest thing that caused such harm to me was having zero sense of awareness & self autonomy. I did not know I had needs. I simply followed along with what the belief system teaches/what my parents said I had to. And internalized every thought that was different than that belief system as bad & wrong. My self worth was little to nothing. This caused so many destructive behaviors as a child, teen and into my adult years. Being able to connect the dots between my behaviors/attachments/self awareness to the environment I grew up in has been LIFE changing. I finally feel understood.

Here is what I would say to anyone who has left & is struggling or is thinking about leaving..

•It will be one of the hardest things you will have to do. To leave a community that strong & try to deconstruct is a heavy task. •I see you & I am sorry to all who have to understand that pain. •Remember YOUR thoughts/feelings are valid.

•Give yourself the space to heal& open your mind up to others thoughts.

•connect your mind&body

I think this page is a awesome space for people to connect!